I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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