I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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