Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Oh god it's open bar.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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