Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
