he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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