I wannas sexs uuuuu
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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