just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
