captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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