I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
