In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this just has baby written all over it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
