I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
