Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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