i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
