she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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