She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He uses pillows to masturbate.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
