Pants 0. Shit 1.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
