Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
