i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
