My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
