My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
