I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
