Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
