Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
