The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
