I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
