my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
