I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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