nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
