It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
