yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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