So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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