make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
