i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
