Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
