I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
