I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
