every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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