May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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