She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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