Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
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IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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