I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
