Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
