I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
