he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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