I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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