Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
