the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
