I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
