So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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