that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
