I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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