She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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