Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
