I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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