apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize